Woes of A ParaMedic
by Roxius
Summary: Sigint is asked by Major Zero to find Para-Medic, who, oddly enough, happens to be drowning her sorrows at a bar. But...for what reasons exactly? Onesided Para-Medic X Big Boss, Sigint flirts a bit with Para-Medic, etc. PLease R & R!


'It's a good thing I placed that tracking device on Para-Medic when I did!' Sigint thought as he walked through the crowded streets of New York city. Earlier that same day, Major Zero had requested both his and Para-Medic's help in the forming of a group called "The Patriots". Sigint himself was more than willing to help his commander and friend, but Para-Medic seemed a bit disheveled about the whole thing, especially when she learned both Big Boss (Who still liked going under the name 'Snake') and EVA were going to be working with them. For some reason, Para-Medic soon stormed out of the building and ran off somewhere after seeing EVA and Big Boss share a kiss. Now it was Sigint's job to locate her and bring her back.

Eventually, he found her at one of the last places he had ever expected: a local bar.

"Damn...Para-Medic must be REALLY upset..." Sigint muttered as he entered the building.

It didn't take him long to look for Para-Medic; she was asleep at the counter, with several empty beer bottles lying on the ground at her feet. As Sigint walked over to her sleeping form and tried to shake her awake, the bartender glanced over and muttered, "...Hey, when she wakes up, make sure she picks up all those bottles she knocked over..."

Sigint ignored the grouchy old man and took a seat on the stool next to Para-Medic's. Shaking her a bit more, he leaned in and whispered, "C'mon, Para-Medic...wake up. You can't sleep here...wake up..."

Groaning, Para-Medic slowly lifted her head and looked around with a dazed look on her face. Sigint could tell she had been crying, because her eyes were bloody red and a few stray drops of tears still slid down her cheeks. Para-Medic let out a very unladylike belch and asked, "Ugh...I think I drank too much...argh...is it...is it mornin'?"

Sigint shook his head.

"Nah," he replied, "It isn't even 11:30 yet. Listen, Para-Medic...we gotta go. Major Zero wants to see us..."

As Sigint tried to grab her arm to help her up, Para-Medic, still reeling from all the alcohol, asked, "Is...is Snake still there? With...with EVA...?"

"Uh...yeah, I think so." Sigint replied. Suddenly, Para-Medic slapped his arm away and tried to run for the door, but she quickly lost balance and fell to her knees.

Her entire body shook and sobs rose from her throat as she moaned, "I...I...I don't want to see them. I don't want to go there...just leave me alone..."

His patience wearing thin, Sigint grabbed Para-Medic forcefully by the wrists and shouted, "GODDAMMIT, PARA-MEDIC! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE STRONG, SELF-CONFIDENT WOMAN I MET BACK IN OPERATION SNAKE EATER? WHAT'S GOING ON IN THAT CUTE LITTLE HEAD OF YOURS?"

Para-Medic lifted her hand, ready to slap Sigint hard across the face, but instead she just sighed and calmly said, "I don't want to see Snake...or EVA. Snake...he's...he's in love with her...and...and I'm all alone...I just wanted Snake to notice me...to hold me...to kiss me...I care about him so much...I'm...I'm sorry if I upset you, Sigint, I..."

Sigint wasn't really sure how to react now. Sighing, he let go of Para-Medic and gently helped her back to her feet. Brushing her off, Sigint said, "Look...let's...let's just go back and meet with Major Zero, okay? I'm sure...I'm sure everything will be fine. Okay? You'll be okay, right?"

"Oh god...Sigint, I can't believe how far I'm falling..." Para-Medic whispered aloud, her mind completely oblivious to Sigint's earlier words, "I'm so in love with that man...Naked Snake...but he only sees me as a friend, and an unimportant one at that. I want to tell him how I feel...what I truly think about him...but I'm afraid. Afraid of rejection...afraid...afraid of EVA. She has Snake all to herself...and I have nothing..."

Sigint glanced at Para-Medic's boobs for only a moment before asking, "Are you really that unhappy...?"

"Yes," Para-Medic sobbed, "It's just...he's everything I've ever wanted in a man, and he's so kind and sweet to me...

"Damn...never knew you could be so emo!" Sigint said after a moment of silence.

Para-Medic slapped him playfully on the head and chuckled to herself. Despite the splitting headache and stomach pains for all the beer, she was finally beginning to calm down a bit. As the two friends left the bar and headed to the meeting place, Sigint suddenly had an idea.

"You know...if you're ever feeling like you wanna get married or something...I'm always available..." Sigint said, slightly joking, but hoping Para-Medic would actually take his perverted suggestion into consideration.

Para-Medic gave Sigint a sweet smile before replying, "Sorry, but I don't do interracial marriages. Besides, my heart still only belongs to Snake!"

Sigint cursed under his breath, thinking, 'Damn, this is the fourth one today I lost out on! I must be missing something...'

Sigint continued to think to himself about his situation when Para-Medic doubled over and threw up all over his pants.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...SNAP!"

"OH GOD...UGH...AH! HERE IT COMES AGAIN! BBLLLLLLAAARRGGGHHH!!"

"OH SHIT! NOT ON MY SHIRT! DAMMIT, WOMAN!"

"BBLLLLLAARRGH-"

"CUT IT OUT!"

"ROFLBBBLLLARGHSHDSHKDKLSD-"

"I SAID-"

"BLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAARGHGHHHHHHHHGHGHGHGHGFKD!"

"STOP IT!!"

Both Sigint and Para-Medic ended up causing such a scene that they had to be arrested for "disturbing the peace".


End file.
